Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Constructive Criticism

A few things I'd like to work on:
Maturity level -> sometimes it's okay other times I am like whoa why did I just do that.

Saying what I want to say, In other words not 'running away' from a situation/conversation.

I want to be more aggressive, in general, less passive but I don't want to be too aggressive at the same time. Just enough to make playing against me interesting.

Last thing for right now, I want to find my flow. Like my style. Or maybe groove. I need a wardrobe change and an attitude adjustment.

It might be fun.
This sounds weird, reading it, but I always hear 18 - 21 year olds change a lot. Got to find something that works.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Something New

People of have a weird way of being able to heal each other.

One minute you're on the floor wishing for nothing more that you could be stone and nothing can seep through. Then just as instantly as the moment before you are wishing that you don't fuck up this moment so maybe you can have a chance at something new.

It strange how people need people.


Yesterday, me and a friend were talking about time and how seconds can feel like hours and hours could feel like minutes depending on the situation and anticipation.

I lost my train of thought.


Friday, February 13, 2009

Noises In My Head

It is currently very cold in my room, my skin feels foreign, bumps occupies its' surface. It feels tight and my scars are fainter. I hear my parents talking outside, despite everything it's some what comforting hearing my dad. I have been putting many things off, taxes, getting a new planner...

I just finished A Wolf At The Table. It was very good.

Right now I feel like my music has loss some of it's taste. I'm looking for something that is hard to find.
I'm happy, today was a good morning, despite being cold and having that awful morning taste in my mouth.
Work has been going well, I think I am learning a lot and I have found what I need to do, not need but want to do. I was floating around looking for something to anchor me and I think I've found it.

I don't think I am random...

Today I might ride my bike, I don't know yet.

Yesterday some one asked if I was interested in some special brownies, I answered no, but in my head I thought about it, I considered saying yes, but only in my head. The guy said if I ever change my mind let him know. He wants to be a principal some day.
The girl next to us told me I was a genius, I'm far from a genius, I am only intelligent cause I work hard, if I don't get something I figure it out, very few things I get instantly. But I said thanks and replied I just have a good work ethic.
The girl across the table kept on touching and invading my space. I don't think on purpose because the lab class room was cramp.

I started changing things I do in my life, I have a set of chopsticks in my car, just in case I go to a noodle house or sushi place. I have been refilling my water bottle instead of getting a new one, maybe next month I'll upgrade to a non disposable water bottle. I bring my own fork and spoon to school just in case I eat lunch there. Normally I bring my own lunch. I am both saving money and saving unnecessary waste. Even my shower habits are changing. I take shipshowers every other day. Meaning I get wet, turn off the water scrub and brush my teeth scrub my face and turn back on the water when I am ready to rinse.

I think I am just talking now to empty my head, I always feel like if I say or write something it leaves my head and opens up room for other things.

Well bye.


Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Odd =]

I had the strangest dream last night, it happened in sections, I don't remember the order, but one section of the dream was of a black lady in a light purple sundress, with her hair pulled back in a short ponytail, and her young daughter in a white sundress, covered with sunflowers, were under a blue BMW being dragged along in a prairie setting. The lady was screaming for the driver to stop, which he finally did the mother was no longer under the BMW and was crying as she crawled towards her daughter attempting CPR. As soon as she reached her daughter the unknown male driver ran over the mothers legs, snapping both her tibia and fibula. She screamed. The driver drove off. The dreams ends. I am watching this from the perspective that I am a viewer like someone watching t.v., I can not affect the outcome.

Next section was of me watching people from a hotel room, in the same prairie setting, run around in what look like huge shallow mucky lake. They were going unusually fast. This section stops, I don't recall what happens next. But the next section is the same beginning just this time someone is there, and I ask him why people are running through the mucky lakes, he replies cause it is like a sport, it's fun. Some guy walks pass our window and looks up at us through the window and winks. After that I woke up. To get ready for school.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Empty like the thrash bin I just threw out...

Yesterday I saw Venus, and it did nothing for me. I need to find myself, all I was, was conditional. And that's not fair, that's not who I want to be. Yea, I love my job, yea I love the people around me. But when I am in the solitude of my mind, I am lost.

Here's to 2009 and knowing more about what makes me go tic tic.